Virtually real- Virtuellement vraie

Micheline Harvey: Virtual Assistant, real person/Adjointe Virtuelle, mais tout à fait vraie

Or maybe I just wasn’t listening? August 16, 2014

RobinWilliamsAlone

I sometimes feel like my husband no longer hears or registers what I say anymore. I make conversation, tell stories, talk about things, and the very next day or even just a few hours later, he will mention the same facts as if it was the first time, or act completely surprised if he walks in as I’m telling them to someone else.

To quote the late Robin Williams: “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”

When we first met, he seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. I remember conversations, laughter, interesting banter, insight, sharing private jokes. He seemed to drink in my every word and as I recall, he participated, talked, shared, laughed and was completely present.

Or maybe I just wasn’t listening?

Maybe I was doing all the talking, the joking, and filling in the silence with banter, and ideas, and monologues about the many things that interest, surprise, shock and amaze me? Maybe I was so into it, or so into me, that I never even noticed the glazed over look in his eyes or the fact that he had not said much of anything the entire time?

Maybe I didn’t notice him looking over my shoulder, behind me, around me, anywhere but at me when we were out on a romantic dinner together? Maybe it was just my imagination when I thought that he kept looking into my eyes, at my smile, that he only had eyes for me.

Maybe I was too wrapped up in myself to realize that he didn’t share anything deep or significant. Maybe I was too involved in my thoughts to notice that he only shared positive things about himself, never a vulnerable moment, never a bad moment, never a shadow of doubt.

Or maybe I just wasn’t listening? Maybe I have changed in the same way? I don’t think so; I think I’ve simply become quieter, as a result of feeling that I am not heard.

My world is lonely this week. I have cried three times about Robin Williams’ death, about the pain he was in, and about how he chose to leave us, or how depression, fear and anxiety told him to go. My tribe is mourning and its members have expressed in their own words that they feel like me, as if we’ve lost a family member. Of course, we did not know Robin personally. But we still felt as if we did, because he was part of our tribe.

And if the funniest man in the world can’t make it, we wonder how are we are supposed to keep on going?

I know my husband doesn’t understand why I am so upset about this loss. But I don’t understand that he doesn’t understand. It’s a tribe thing, I guess.

Or maybe I’m just too wrapped up in myself?

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3 Responses to “Or maybe I just wasn’t listening?”

  1. Marilyn Brown Says:

    I believe you’ve finally realized that “he’s just not that into you”…he’s way to wrapped up in himself. Been there done that.

  2. 67andgood Says:

    I don’t think it is just you who feels this way about Robin William’s death. We all felt like he was part of our own family. He was funny, he had a twinkle in his eye and he made us feel good. Inside, he was dealing with a lot of sadness and then had a major heart issue and then the Parkinson’s diagnosis ~ all of which bring depression. I think it was just too much for him to take.
    As for your husband ~ I’m really sorry that you still feel so alone in the marriage. Maybe you should decide what would make YOU happy and work towards a new future. I’m glad you blogged again.

    Terri T. of myseniormoments.livejournal.

  3. Madeleine Rogal Says:

    Just found this message from you, too much to say, so in tune with my thoughts. Your way of putting it, i.e. Maybe I wasn’t listening. — I feel so much the same way ; one other thing, we never saw the clues and they were fucking there had we wanted to see them or had we been listening, will continue response tomorrow. Love you very much, hate typing on IPad. Regarding Robin W, have also been very sAd and have rewatched many movies in his honour. Last night was the interview on Inside the Actor’s Studiio. Tonight I watched another movie entirely, Misery, and I truly felt I was cheating on Robin. Night night, will talk to you tomorrow.xxxx

    Sent from my iPad

    >


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